hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
