Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
