I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
be right there i have to get my cape
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
