i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
