i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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