the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
its liver damage thursday
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