It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
