It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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