dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
As shirtless as possible
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
