Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
