nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
