I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
