My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize