last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
