is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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