i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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