woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
