Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
