I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
