Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
