I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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