this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
