Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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