I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
