Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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