nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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