Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
