Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
