I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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