i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
