he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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