This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
you had me at cake vodka
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
