Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
