My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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