YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
