If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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