Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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