I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
