so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
