Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
