I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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