considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
