how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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