just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
