got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
