So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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