I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
