where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
