Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize