I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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