my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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