So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
