she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
