She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
