My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
