i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
